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# The Fantasy of the First Time
- URL: https://www.carterkalchik.com/the-fantasy-of-the-first-time/
- Published: 2024-07-15T04:00:00.000Z
- Updated: 2026-08-08T23:49:49.000Z
- Description: Be safe, have fun, don't stick Vaseline up your butt
- Author: Carter Kalchik
- Tags: Butt Stuff in Books

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*Lightly edited from the video above. The video is the definitive version. This page exists for readers, searchers, and citers.*

Welcome to another edition of Butt Stuff in Books. Today we are discussing the fantasy of the first time. Today we're going to discuss a first-time butt stuff scene that I did not particularly like, what I didn't like about it, how authors could improve those kinds of scenes for a reader like me, and then give some examples from books that I think do a better job.

I'm going to describe the first-time butt stuff scene in some length, but I'm not going to be talking about the book that it's in. It's an indie book and I don't want the author to see this and feel bad about it. And also, please no guessing the book in the comments. If I see people trying to guess what book this is from, whether you're right or wrong, I'm going to delete your comment.

All right, the scene – or kind of scene and a half – proceeds thusly. We start in the POV of a cis queer man waking up aroused by the object of his affection, who is sleeping downstairs. He proceeds to have a solo scene to completion. He then cleans up, goes downstairs, becomes aroused again, and decides to have a round two solo session, but is interrupted by the object of his affection, who then proceeds to give him some mouth-on-member action to completion. The more experienced man is still aroused and suggests that they try something else. Does not say what. These two gentlemen go to another location within the same building, and thus proceeds the butt stuff.

When our POV character realizes what's about to happen, he is both excited and nervous, because he has never done this before – not just with another man, but even with himself. Our more experienced man reassures him, but then they proceed to have very little communication through the rest of the scene other than, you know, normal intimate scene gesticulations and cries of passion. The only warming up of the area that occurs in the scene is the entry of two fingers to start with, which by the way, like, that's a lot for your first time. And then the more experienced man, who is described as having a much larger than average endowment, goes in, spit for lubrication, and proceeds to give our POV character a hands-free climax. That's the third climax in what can at most be 90 minutes.

All right, so this scene violates basically every one of my suggestions for authors writing butt stuff scenes. And this is just personal preference, but I feel like seeing an M/M romance without rimming is like seeing an angel without its wings. It's just sad, especially if this is someone's first time. Like, warm things up a little bit down there before you start shoving things in.

Now, I will describe mechanically all the things about the scene that I think don't work, but I want to start with the conclusion first and preempt some critiques that I can already anticipate from the comments, which is: this is a fantasy, this is just a fantasy, why are you trying to impose all of this reality on a fantasy? My question back to people who are asking that is, for whom is this a fantasy? It's not a fantasy for me. I would posit that scenes like this, which I see frequently in M/M romance, are actually a fantasy about our negative first times actually being pleasurable. I think it is very common for first times for all people to not go super great, for there to be a lack of communication, for them to be painful, perhaps not a sufficient amount of lubrication being used. And I feel like M/M romances that describe first times in this way are engaging in the fantasy of what if those negative first times actually were pleasurable, instead of the fantasy of what if we just had better first times? What if our partners had been gentle and communicative and kind when we needed them to be, and then rough and vigorous when we were ready for it? What if we were nervous about the encounter and our partners went out of their way to make sure that we felt like we were having a positive experience?

So what is wrong with this scene? I actually think the biggest structural problem with it is that it's continuous. And for authors who want to have scenes like this, even if they are not first time scenes and you don't want to get into any of the nitty gritty about preparation or even some of the communication that I think should exist around these scenes, I would encourage you to think about not having continuous action. Have scene breaks where things could be happening and readers who care about this, like I do, can imagine that preparation or conversation happened.

So the mechanics about this scene that did not work pretty well for me: first of all, a guy having three finishes in, like, seriously, at most two hours, but the way that the scene is written, it seems like it's pretty quick. That's a fantasy. A hands-free finish on your first time. That's a pretty big fantasy, especially if there is not any communication happening between the two partners. Going in cold with two fingers and there being next to no resistance or pain around that. That's a huge fantasy.

So here are three books that I think handle first times better. I talked about this book in an earlier video in this series, but I think *Teacher of the Year* has a great first time with the character Olan. Up until the end of the book, Marvin had been the one who was bottoming in their relationship, and then Olan wants to try. Off screen, we are told that he has been practicing. He invites Marvin over to engage in this hot, hot butt stuff, and the scene just begins. So we can imagine that any kind of preparation occurred. No description of any backdoor preparation was required, because the scene fades up, and we are told that Olan is ready. Although earlier in the book, Marvin, who is more experienced with butt stuff generally, does leave the scene to go to the bathroom and comes back before they engage in butt stuff. So we can imagine he did something in there, even though we don't follow his POV.

In the first time between Marvin and Olan, Olan tells Marvin to just start doing it, but they don't. Marvin knows that it might take a little bit of time to get things ready. There's no rimming, which is unfortunate, but he does begin with a healthy amount of lubrication, working fingers in to get him ready, and then slowly going in, talking about breathing, asking if things are okay, and then they proceed with the butt stuff. I think it's a great example of communication and active consent. And also, Olan has this fantasy of, he wants Marvin to just go in there and start on him, but that's a fantasy. It's not going to work that way. Marvin knows that, and he doesn't hurt Olan by accommodating this fantasy. He actually guides him through the encounter. I think that that – for me, that is a preferable fantasy, of thinking you know you want something, but being with a more experienced partner who is able to give you even more than you knew you wanted.

*Enemies of the State* is an interesting example of a first time. It's not exactly the first time for the main character, Ethan, but he traditionally tops in relationships, but he is with a man who is completely inexperienced with men, has only been with women up to that point, and Ethan compromises and bottoms for Jack in this book. That is a fantasy – an interesting fantasy – being with someone who normally takes one position, but because they love you so much, they're willing to do something else. Again, I would encourage people to be more imaginative about what kind of fantasies men might have. Mechanically, the first time scene at the end of the book between Ethan and Jack I think works very well. There is no prep that happens beforehand. However, we do fade up on the scene, and Ethan says he is ready. Jack is the one who got prepared for the scene, which includes lubrication and condoms. We love to see those discussions about protection. They even have the conversation later of, hey, maybe we should get tested so that if we make a monogamous commitment to each other, we don't have to use condoms anymore. All great stuff.

You can also have good butt stuff in historical M/M romance. *Slippery Creatures* is a twofer. This is a first time for the person who is topping. Yes, as shocking as this might seem, sometimes the people who are topping are having their first time. In *Slippery Creatures*, it is Will who is having his first time with Kim, and Kim, as the more experienced partner, is guiding him. Again, we fade up on this scene. We get the suspicion that Kim knew what he was doing, and he's wearing a smoking jacket and velvet slippers, so probably got ready beforehand, and then they use a lubrication that is appropriate for the time period, which is Vaseline – which I have said in the past was appropriate for the time, but not today. Please don't use Vaseline. There was Vaseline usage in Talia Hibbert's M/M romance, which is a modern romance, and it drove me crazy. Please don't stick Vaseline up your butt.

There really is no shortage of examples of good first time butt stuff encounters in books, but there also seems to be no shortage of examples of bad first time encounters. And when I say bad, I mean they aren't describing the kind of fantasy that I would want to see. They might be describing your fantasy, but I would encourage you to reflect on why that is your fantasy, especially if you are not yourself a queer man or you don't engage in butt stuff regularly yourself. And furthermore, I am not saying that every M/M romance that has a first time scene needs to have a positive, representational first time scene. You can have kind of an awkward, not so great encounter and then deal with the consequences of that and maybe have a better one later. People have bad first times that they don't necessarily feel great about, even with people that they are going to end up spending the rest of their lives with. It happens every day.

This all ultimately comes back to what is probably my most insistent recommendation in this series, which is intentionality. Be intentional with what you're writing. I don't think, for example, the author of the scene that I was describing at the beginning of this video considered that the way that that scene went down might make the more experienced partner seem a little callous, and that it was kind of an ends justify the means scene, where because everybody got off, it was fine that the more experienced partner didn't tell the POV character what was going to happen, that they went in there very quickly without any communication. Everybody got off, so it was fine, right?

That might be a fantasy for those of us who had negative first times and we want to recontextualize them and re-experience them in a way that does give us pleasure. But I would encourage you to think about what if our first time scenes were reimagined in ways that were pleasurable for everybody, and they don't need to be didactic or hand-holding the reader. None of these three books were like that at all, but what these three books have that I think the one that I was describing doesn't was a healthy amount of intentionality. These authors either had firsthand experience or did their research and crafted really excellent first time scenes where everyone had a grand butt stuff time on purpose, something that I wish for all of us.